I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
