When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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