normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
