Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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