Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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