you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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