forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I wish there were birth control emojis
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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