My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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