Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
