People with herpes should wear stickers.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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