I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
