A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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