Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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