peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
