tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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