I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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