when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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