I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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