I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
