I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
