he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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