having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
