I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
