well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
