tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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