I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
