I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
