I understand why you refuse to be sober now
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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