Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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