I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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