Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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