If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
