Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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