someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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