every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
