can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
