I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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