hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
