I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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