My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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