Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
