Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
