Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
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