My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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