I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
