I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
