I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
