I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
