she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
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