Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
