Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
